Time flies...: The 6 year update

Despite many protestations that I would keep this blog up-to-date, I see that I have not posted in some time (since 2013 in fact) and that the last post on that blog was about an interfering acquaintance asking me about my love life (I was perennially single).

So what is new in 2019?! Well, quite a lot as you can imagine has changed over the course of the last 6 years. I found someone who loves me and all my quirks complete with weirdness, baggage, clumsiness and severe self-doubt. I then broke up with him. I started my library Masters (still ongoing). Then I got back together with this Chap. I have changed jobs four times including most recently a promotion to head of academic liaison. Unexpected to say the least. In fact I am not sure what is more unexpected: my discovering love or my promotion to line managing a team of professional librarians. Anyhow. I digress. I moved into my own flat, then moved back home again (living solo near a train line 20 mins from London is expensive!!) I then moved in with this chap (P we shall name him) and we have now had a beautiful baby boy who is the light of our life (I shall henceforth call the apple of our eye, A). So in 6 years quite a lot can change. 

I laughed at my last post, but also still feel that what I wrote then was true. I loved my singleness, but that is not to say that I do not love being with P, my co-habitation and co-parenting. Both states of being (singledom/coupledom) are completely perfect if you are in the right place and mind frame to enjoy them.

So, what has brought me back to blogging you may well ask... In fact it is motherhood and maternity leave. I feel as if I need a useful direction for my thoughts and a way to employ my mind (I mean I could use this energy to finish my Master's dissertation, but hey you know, 10 weeks postpartum, the only thing I feel up to writing about is A and my "transition" into motherhood.)

Now this word. "Transition". I have used this word with heavy irony. It is a total understatement of the actual process of becoming a mother. And I am not just talking about the birth, which in itself is quite a thing. You know what? I fully appreciate why it is called Labour. I also bow lowly to all the women that have born children. I can see why there is rather a "club" feel about it all. The pain in itself was unlike anything I have felt, but weirdly 10 weeks on it already feels like a distant memory. And I have A. Who really is. Quite simply. The light of P & I's life. And his Grandparents. And Uncles. And in the ever expanding A Fan Club. It is quite extensive. I mean I am biased, but this kid is seriously cute. He makes menopausal women consider having a baby. Enough said?

Still this "Transition" is something that just keeps rolling. It is not just a single event, like switching trains. And cliche alert (and I am using this with deliberate, sarky and cheesy emphasis): it is a JOURNEY. (See? I told you. Cliche/cheese alert.)  Also that Initial Transition part? You feel like you have been hit by a bus. Repeatedly. Then told to get up, feed your baby and continue without any sleep. without context, one would think that is torture. I was ill-equipped to deal with the first few days post birth. I literally felt the most exhausted. I had swollen everything (9 months of pregnancy and not one swollen anything. One birth, I have cankles and no definition from the end of my fingers to the shoulder. Anyway. Enough about transition. I feel as though now I have got the parenting idea: you will never know all about keeping a child alive/happy. You just have to wing it and do the best you can. Take all the advice you get (which is absolute barrel loads!) with a pinch of salt. Trial and error is your friend. And believe me you'll know by the howling cries whether it failed. It is fun and do you know what? Getting that smile back when you've nailed it, is priceless.

So, hello 2019. Hello a changed, but still-me Me. And here is to the start of *hopefully* more blogging... about A, about motherhood, about my Masters (if anything ever happens there), my random thoughts etc...

On a side note: readership.I am seriously expecting this not to be read. Ever. More like an online journal with the view that maybe one day A will read it and laugh at his daft mother, or what is more likely: it just provides a sound board for my thoughts. To put them out into the ether. If you are reading this, what an unexpected delight. Thank you. Apologies for the typos and swearing in advance. 

Marital Reflections

Ok, so maybe all I have to say on this topic is not necessarily about marital statuses, more on relationships or lack thereof. It appears as if I am on a one-woman band wagon wondering what happened to feminism *please do not roll your eyes in that tone of voice* I refer to the bit where we are all equal, and that we do not require a relationship status to make our lives valid. 

I am not anti-relationship, but I do not see the need to be defined by it either. As so many of my friends are. I mean, how can you know yourself if you are always seen in reference to who you are with- I mean if you continually have the one partner, or even just keep moving from one to another, how do you know yourself? How would you fill your time? What hobbies would you have? Surely you can have a partner and still maintain a certain individuality within that relationship?

My friend recently broke up with her long term boyfriend and even before him, she was in another relationship- in essence, she has not been single since her teens. She said "I don't know what I like doing anymore". Her life was based solely around the relationship. Whilst this is all very well and good, but I wonder, aside from what happens if it all goes wrong, what could you bring to the relationship? You need to know yourself, be yourself (surely?) to be an equal in the relationship. She said she would discover herself again before seeking another relationship. Two weeks later she is on a dating website seeking another beau wondering what to fill her "hobbies" section with. 

I rest my case.

Well, not quite. There are many people who equally have a strong relationship, who have hobbies, who still maintain friendships and have a strong sense of self. Of course, this is wonderful and EXACTLY how it should be. This post is more of a rant at those who seek to impress upon me their needy requirements of a "relationship status" to settle us down in a nice comfy psychological box for their own peace of mind.

Now, what's spurred this tirade on? There is one recent incident which I maintain is responsible for this. Bowling for 3 and half hours. An unlikely situation for this discussion to be broached, don't ya think? But nonetheless it was 3 and half of the longest hours of my life and ones where I kinda wanted to follow the bowling ball down the gutter or throw the aforementioned ball at the soon-to-be-mentioned-well-meaning-woman.

Now this very well-meaning, if very highly-strung, lady could not fathom why I was OK without having a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance/fiancee, husband/wife or *gasps* that I am not even actively dating. 

"But you do date, though?"

Non-committal verging on the side of a negative reply.

"What? You don't date? But WHY?"

I merely shrugged and said I didn't care and how would I have time for it even if I did?! The fail safe answer when confronted with a bold mother of 2 trying to ensure every singleton aspires to be in the same conjugal state as them. 

"And are you really OK with that?" 

Erm... yes? I said so didn't I? And anyway, I was perfectly fine with it until you kept going on about it.

This sort of questioning went on for 3 hours. During this time we clarified I was not gay. That yes, I was interested in men. Did I go out? Yes. So you do have a social life? Yes, a very active one, thank you very much. So you have male friends? Yes. But you are not dating them? Not to my knowledge, no. Eventually, when getting onto another topic (another fail safe: health matters), it still ended coming back round to some extent to my being single. 

"Oh my knees- it is getting old... or perhaps it is working- we are on our feet for a long time..."

"Perhaps- it must be quite hard on the knees. Mine are terrible, but then I think that's from dancing."

"You dance?"

"Yep, since I was 3." Beaming proudly.

Pat on the shoulder. "Well, at least you have something...."

ARGH?! *insert flurry of expletives*

To be "alone", i.e. without a boyfriend, therefore must be devoid of some wonderful, hitherto unknown enjoyment of life, as if life would not be worth living if I didn't have that someone to share it with. Whilst it would be lovely to share these moments with someone, perhaps even this tirade, I am not in the position to, but it still does not mean that I cannot be happy?!

The point, conclusion, summary, epitaph even to this post is just this: leave us singletons alone. Some of us are fine. Others may not be fine, but I can guarantee you they don't want their love life being trudged over like a well-worn garden path.You wouldn't want us nit-picking over your sex lives, or there lack of. Similarly, do not nit-pick over ours. 

Hello 2013...

Well, after a shocking all time low of 4 posts on this blog for the entire of 2012, I am making my usual half-hearted attempt to rejuvenate my blog. This is somewhat inspired by work- who are running a "23 Things" personal development programme to get us "down with the kids"... not that i am old, but believe me I am learnign things... anyone else know what an aggregator was? 

Nope, me neither.

Still not sure I do.

But I gave one called backstit.ch a go... 

Anyhoo, so what is making me blog now? My first post of 2013??

Well, for Christmas, I got the new P!nk/Pink album and OMG I am blown away! It is on repeat in my car at the moment!! It is amazing :)

Then I saw this video on MTV and wowsa- she is an amazing dancer too... this video/dance/song is beautiful. Soul-felt and completely spellbinding. 

Watch it and prepared to be amazed....

It's Raining Cats & Dogs

It is ironic to think that my last post in February was about how to combat the 'winter blues'. Here I am in July, after a substantial writing hiatus, and I am looking at very similar weather.

I feel I ought to add my voice to the long and ongoing grumble about the British weather at the moment. It is technically summer, though if I was to take a picture of what I see out my window, you would probably think October/November sort of weather.

It is not me over-reacting, but this summer is the worst I have seen in a long time. And it just so happens in 2012 when we have the Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics on our home turf. God must be havin' a laugh at our expense!

Yet another event sacrificed to the weather: http://www.english-heritage.org.uk/about/news/foh-ticket-sales/

The English Heritage Festival of History event at Kelmarsh Hall has been cancelled. As a charitable trust trying to earn money, they do not cancel lightly. I just wonder how some of the outside sports for the Olympics will fair.

I feel very British by writing a blog about the weather. We are known for our cuppas, rain and telephone boxes. This year tourists will be hiding in telephone boxes with cuppas avoiding the rain. Try Covent Garden- they have some pretty wacky, jazzed up telephone boxes to hide in! So, maybe it is appropriate as the world's lens zones in on Britain, that we live up to our reputation and let the heavens fall as they may! After all no Mary Poppins is complete without a gale to sweep her in and her brolly.

Still, a little sun would be nice....

P.S. Where did the saying 'It's raining cats and dogs' come from? Can some QI elves please tell me that!

^clear up operation in action. (BBC website picture)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-18783422

This is a very interesting article from the BBC, which caught my eye as the Headline was "Why, oh why, does it keep raining? *my sentiments exactly!!*

How to combat the winter blues? EASY! ***HARRY POTTER!***

I love this!!!!

Valentine's Day Blues?

I actually quite like Valentine's Day. I can actually vow I have no reason romantically to love it, but I do like it. For the last few years now I have set up (with myself) "The Singles Club" where I will send out all my single girl friends a card just to let them know that I love them and spread the love & happiness. After all, Valentine's Day is about showing the love!

One word of advice though.... put your name on the card. You do not want your friend thinking that it is their secret crush. Epic fail on my part that time... :S

Other than that, my advice is always to spread the love!

Or, if you prefer not to subscribe to the commercialism, see here for amazing anti-Valentine's Day cards:

http://www.stylist.co.uk/life/the-funniest-anti-valentines-day-cards#image-rotator-1

(Link courtesy of Paddy Mayo!)

Happy Mailing!

Who Would Want to be a Writer?

Hands up? Well, me.

Although I do realise that I have a complete lack of discipline when it comes to writing, I want to be a writer and I often make notes of things I would like to write about, but I lack the will-power and the confidence to sit and write.

There is often a strong element of self-reflection when writing, and since I suffer from the worst case of head-in-sand-burying you have ever seen, I often fear what I would write. And in equal measures, I fear what someone would think if they read it.

This leads naturally to the question I ask myself: why do I write? Why does anyone write?

Often it is to fulfil an egotistical urge on the part of the individual who believes that what they write is of some importance, possibly even of intrinsic value, to society. Others do it to assuage their feelings and to see their thoughts in words to analyse their thoughts, feel a sense of release; it can be comforting. It is usually these latter people who rarely get published. And it is also difficult to know how many of them there are out there that do this, as it can be a secretive business.

I like to write. I am an old fashioned paper and fountain pen type embodying a Jane Austen-esque approach, but in a way that I would not want my letters read etc apart from the intended recipient. Like Cassandra burnt her letters, I would like to think the same. Perhaps it is this historical and literature precedent that I adhere to that terrifies me from writing more in my diary? On the other hand, what I think may be more accurate is the fear of writing what I actually feel and facing up to it. I feel that what I write is inconsequential because what I write is a facade of what I want myself to believe.

Then the question arises... why I am I writing on here? Egotism? Probably. Feel that what I have to say is important? No. Not really. Seeking reassurance? Most assuredly.

So writing is this self-illuminating and terrifying ordeal, often prescribed for those with mental and/or psychological issues.

The next question then comes- are all those who write writers? In my mind, yes. In some bigoted literary view, probably not. But as Margaret Atwood states: "Pen is Envy".

A mock on the Freudian phrase 'Penis Envy', Atwood in The Handmaid's Tale shows how the ability to be able to write, to transcribe one's feelings is a feeling inherent to the human psyche. We need to share feelings. We need to express ourselves. To take that away is to deprive ourselves.

Therefore, this blog, which I waffle so much on, is more of a build up to writing, privately, what I want to be able write. To write publicly on topics distanced from myself, like to write or not to write, can allow me a cathartic assuage of thoughts which will one day amount to me finding the truth within myself.

Over the top? Yes. Over wrought? Oh, definitely. Feeling better? I can honestly say yes.

Even writing about the unimportant things in life can be the most rewarding process. Just to order thoughts articulately and convey them = one of the best gifts that make us human. From Charles Darwin to Charles Dickens, they would be proud...

(By the way, the catalyst to this waffling yarn? See here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2012/feb/09/author-film?CMP=twt_fd )

Coldplay, Paradise

I am loving this song right now... It could represent me my life now, what i want my life to be and here I want it to go.

Can you not appreciate a song that can do that for you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8iVEtavOP0

"Feeling depreseed at all, Me? Why, yes, Me...." But it us a frickin' good song!

Am I a Moaning Ninny?

Hi Guys,

Welcome to Me after my first day working at the NALibrary, on a Saturday... now I have moaned a lot on Twitter and Facebook about my journeys to work and that I am unsure about that I made the right choice about leaving my job at WC. So, here I sit after a month saying what now... what now indeed?

I thought that I love books, I love history, I love people, I love art, I love culture, I love libraries.... so why do I feel so out of the loop here? I am not sure. Previous workmates say it is just purely a matter of settling in. Something I wish I could do.

I am naturally an outspoken person, one with many opinions that probably ought not to be aired but thanks to the Castle and a sense of assertiveness, I have many an opinion that ought not to be aired too freely, but I do wonder whether the life of me as a librarian is for me. I love the idea of what I do as librarian... but I do wonder whether it will fulfil my love of history, art, culture, music, life... In fact I wonder often whether it will kill the best part of me that I had cultivated healthily at the Castle. I am a people person. And the people at the library prefer not to be working on the public side?!

Still, I feel that I am moaning a lot... I dunno what to say... am I just being grumpy?

Yes.

OK.

I will shut up.

Gawd, an answer would be so gratefully received. X

Unsurprisingly it has been a while...

Well, what can I say? It has been a while.... AGAIN.

I will make no promises to blog into the void anymore, but only sporadically at best... and at worst, which as it so happens is more likely, when I feel like it.

I often think of being a writer but I think I lack the discipline to follow through my thoughts and certainly lack in writing them down, which I am sure I know is an epic fail in attempting to be a bit of a writer.

Anyhow, no blog of mine is incomplete without a bit of an excuse as to why the blogging void on NotSoSpotlessMind.blogspot.... so here it goes...

Well I have a new job. At the V&A.... go woooo-ooooooh. But it is taking some settling into. I have been here over three weeks now and I am as confused as I was when I started. There is very little structure in what I am expected to do, since my job role seems to move its boundaries depending on the need. Then there is the lack of banter. From a job where they bossed me around to one where I now am a ringleader and have to herd the troops into action. And by the way this is soooo out of the remit of my job description.

I have also witnessed the worst public speaker. Worse than me. And trust me I have been bad, but there is something about working as a tour guide for two years that just shocks that shyness and fumbling awfulness as a public speaker out of ya. Either that or it cracks ya. For me, thankfully, it was the opposite! still this poor bookbinder was hosting a talk on her exhibit and if she rifled that through that pamphlet one more time for an answer or what to say next I would have cried.

It is not her fault. But it was one time in a lot the past three weeks where I just feel slightly... I dunno... I wanna say superior, but that denotes a sense of harshness that I just don't feel. They are no worse or better than me. They just need to be trained.

Still, I am just waffling here... Needless to say, I have had a rough transition of being in the world of crazy eccentrics, tourists, banter from fellow wardens and great laughs...

Still enough bemoaning my status. It just takes time as everyone keeps telling me. I actually like what I do. Not taxing but quite good fun! Plus I get to stroke old and priceless thingies :)

Now I am watching Harry Potter 1 and harking back to my year 8 class when we tried watching it in French. I tried setting this one in German but it wasn't having it, which was a shame. Hearing Hermione say "That thing has a name" in German is classic... "Das Ting hat ein Namen?!" The French just sounded very swish and unfunny. Shame.

Anyhoo that is enough waffles from me after a a near two-month absence! :)