STOPES/CHAPTER I PART I: A Woman's Right to Orgasm: Equality and Mutuality in Marriage

Marie Stopes wrote Married Love to “electrify England” and it succeeded in its task. By 1937 820,000 copies were sold worldwide. Her book was not the first or last manual on marriage and sex, but, as Hera Cook states, it transformed the discourse on heterosexual female sexuality and sexual practice. Stopes had no tradition to draw from to construct the ideology of an independent and emotionally active female sexual identity, which was formed separately from their reproductive capacity and from male’s sexuality. Creating a female sexual identity and role separate from reproduction was a major innovation. Before the development of effective contraceptives, nineteenth-century sex and marriage manual authors placed sexual activity alongside reproductive physiology reflecting a connection between sexual and reproductive roles for women. Birth-control was the crux of ‘married love’ which allowed pleasurable sex without hindrance of conception. Married Love was sparse in conveying details about birth-control because Stopes wanted to keep women’s sexual and reproductive roles separate. It was Wise Parenthood published later in the same year that provided the necessary details.

Married Love was unique in that the response Stopes received from women was phenomenal. Thirty-three respondents from the sample of letters studied wrote to Stopes to express their gratitude that finally someone seemed to understand not only the sex relations but the marriage relationship too: “it seems so wonderful to think that someone really knew love and understand as we do.” Married Love was written to promote equal and mutual enjoyment of sex which would provide a basis for a happy, successful marriage. Stopes noted that she knew that “in the middle classes in this country, marriage is far less happy than its surface appears” and it is no easy task to produce a successful marriage, especially when ignorance reigns causing despondency and ruptures in marriages all over England. Stopes established women’s sexuality and formed a sexual role for women within marriage, which was a departure from Victorian ideals that proposed women had no sexual feeling at all. Women in the past have been modelled to represent their husbands’ and society’s ideal wifely qualities:

"Woman’s side of the joint life has found little or no expression. Woman has been content to mould herself to the shape desired by man wherever possible."

The foundation of Stopes’ ideology in Married Love is that men and women are equal in marriage: “we are incomplete in ourselves; neither man nor woman can singularly know the joy of the performance of all the human functions”. Stopes argues that women should be treated as equal, intelligent and sexual beings. The notion that “sex-life is a low, physical, and degrading necessity which a pure woman is above enjoying” is completely rejected by Stopes as a “deeply rooted” social construction based on the idea that female ‘ignorance’ was really an indication of ‘innocence’ and ‘purity’, as one respondent highlights: “Parents, confusing “ignorance” with “innocence” are eternally threatening their daughters in the belief that ignorance combined with fear will safeguard their chastity.” Stopes argued that women were sexual creatures who had a right to satisfaction as well as men:

"Welling up in her are the wonderful tides, scented and enriched by
the myriad experiences of the human race from its ancient days of
leisure and flower-wreathed love-making, urging her to transports
and to self-expressions..."

Stopes showed that women could be sexual beings and it was above all natural. It was not depraved for women to want and enjoy sex.

Stopes argued that man has “used woman as his instrument so often regardless of her wishes” and he should alter his sexual technique to accommodate his wife’s needs. Even many feminists remained disinterested in questions related to female sexuality, which makes Stopes rather progressive in comparison to her contemporaries. Feminists’ main sexual issue was to emphasise a high moral code for women based on a belief in sexual control and chastity upon men. Stopes did adopt the idea that men should restrain themselves, as “it is his duty to do so, not only when his wife is ill, but also during menstruation and pregnancy”, but rejected other feminists’ endorsement of abstinence as women were sexual beings too and it would deprive women of the healthy benefits of sex. This revolutionises the perception of women in society from asexual acquiescent wife to an individual with sexual feelings parallel to a man. Stopes hoped the propagation of her ideology would diverge from the tradition of woman being used by her husband in the name of ‘marital rights’, which Stopes acknowledged that law and custom had strengthened. The husband had “the right to approach his wife whenever he wishes, and that she has no wishes and no fundamental needs in the matter at all.” Stopes combated this long-standing social construction with her Law of Periodicity of Recurrence of Desire in women. This law stated that women had ‘sex-tides’ and felt naturally more aroused at certain times of the month than others and the man was to use this tide to gauge his sexual approaches. The Law of Periodicity gave a biological mandate both to women’s rejection of a husband’s demands for sexual intercourse and to Stopes’ claim that women could desire sex for pleasure. It meant that women could desire sex at times determined by themselves and could ‘submit’ to their husband’s demands without being “lowered” but still maintaining the right to refuse on other occasions. This ultimately gave women the right to control the frequency and timing of sexual relations. Stopes argued that for the husband to enjoy the sex act and make his marriage a happy, contented relationship of harmony, companionship and love, he should always seduce his wife: “The supreme law for husbands is: Remember that each act of union must be tenderly wooed for and won, and that no union should ever take place unless the woman also desires it and is made physically ready for it.” Stopes explained that if a man disregards his wife’s wishes then “it is rape for the husband to insist on his marital rights” and subsequently he will make the act repugnant to her thereafter. This radical idea was increasingly adopted in the interwar period by feminists, but Stopes made it respectable by explaining that ‘married love’ and successful marriages depended on this equal negotiation between partners.

Stopes propagated the woman’s right to orgasm within the sexual relations of marriage. The removal of sexual intercourse from the notion that it was for procreation to the idea that it could and should be pleasurable for women was revolutionary. Women’s sexuality was now firmly established in its own right separately from that of the woman’s reproductive capacity. Stopes advocated “mutual adjustment”, which is “where the two are perfectly adjusted” and can reach a mutual orgasm. This equal share of enjoyment in sex is truly significant as women become equal to men in sexual relations. Stopes breached boundaries that had never been crossed by other sex and marriage manual authors before. She discussed the husband’s inability to abstain the moment of orgasm until his wife was ready: “the man’s climax comes so swiftly that the woman’s reactions are not nearly ready. And she is left without it.” Stopes severely criticised coitus interruptus because it meant that women were left “in ‘mid-air’” and therefore unsatisfied. Although men get the complete sex-act through coitus interruptus, it deprives women of the man’s secretions, which Stopes claimed were beneficial to a woman’s health. To stop this Stopes stressed the idea that men should alter their sexual technique to increase female sexual pleasure focusing on foreplay and prolonged intercourse enabling women to have the benefit of an orgasm without the concern of becoming pregnant because the married couple would be practicing birth-control.

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